Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Why I completely disappeared.

So... it's been over a week since I last wrote a thing on here.  Let's go through the week, shall we?  Don't expect any fun pictures or anything... this is going to be a massive pity party.

Last Tuesday (last time I blogged): went for an awful run, realized I was overtraining, and vowed to take it easy for a while so that I would not kill anyone.

Wednesday: took my own advice for once and didn't do anything... including blog.  I was going to write a Triple Tangent Twednesday, but it was going to be a whole lot more like this girl's tradition of WTF Wednesday.  Not a great day, but not horrendous.

Thursday: horrendous.  Felt completely off all day, and the only thing getting me through was that I was so excited for the last rehearsal for Cinderella before we went into tech and dress rehearsals.  Then I got to rehearsal.  And both the artistic director and the show director were eerily quiet until they told us to sit down.  Then came the really horrendous part: they announced that they had gotten a phone call that morning from the licensing company that they worked with asking why the ticket information was on the website.  Turns out they had pulled the rights to the show back in November and notified the artistic director, but she'd never gotten the notification.  So the show was cancelled.  Three months of work and my dream role down the drain.  Cue lots of crying and drinking.

Friday: more crying.

Saturday: more drinking.

Sunday: got into a horrible fight with David that lasted for three hours.  Lots more crying.  Finally resolved everything and went to bed not crying for the first time since Thursday.

Monday: relatively harmless.

Tuesday (yesterday): David and I decided to break up.  This sucks.  I honestly still can't believe it.  We had a lot of obstacles to deal with (long distance, two different religions and backgrounds, different career goals) but I always thought we could get through it.  Part of me still thinks we can get through it, and wants nothing more than to book a ticket to Los Angeles and just show up at his doorstep.  I think that's the only thing getting me through right now, actually... it doesn't feel permanent.  And maybe that's just me and maybe he's thinking something completely different, but I've never had a breakup like this before.  In the past, it's always been very clear that the other person wants out (read: I get cheated on and dumped), so I am just forced to move on.  But David and I didn't break up because we wanted out... we broke up because we weren't sure if it was right.  And while part of me thinks that maybe it's for the best, and he and I will both find someone else who has the same dreams and ideals as us, another part of me is just desperately hoping that a couple months from now, he'll still love me and I'll still love him and we can figure this whole mess out.

So that was my week.  The good news is that I know I didn't keep overtraining, because I didn't exercise at all.  I blew off two training runs.  I'm probably blowing off another run today.  I'm not completely sure that the half marathon is going to happen right now, because while running is often therapeutic to me, I don't think I can face being left with my own thoughts for at least another few days, and I don't want to do the half having missed a lot of training.  I guess that is just up in the air for now, as is most of my life. But I'm trying to set some goals.  I've been toying with the idea of getting my personal training and/or fitness class instructor certification for a while now, and given the fact that I have now lost two of the things that filled my time... I think it's about damn time to get on that.  I'm also thinking about getting my teaching certification and finding a job teaching tiny children.  Or sucking it up and doing another audition to be a Disney princess.  I guess that's the only good part about having your life fall apart at the seams... you get to create a new one.

9 comments:

  1. Hi. I've been reading your blog for a little while now (from the SR shout-out), and I've found it entertaining and inspiring; I really relate. I'm so sorry that you're having such a crappy tough time. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? I like your closing sentiments though - this IS an opportunity for you to create something new in your life. I know it feels like absolute dog poo right now but it will get better!

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  2. Hugs.. sorry you have had such a rough go lately. That is crappy about your play being cancelled after all that hard work. Long distance relationships do suck. Hope you get that all figured out.

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  3. I'm so sorry. That is a lot of crap, especially for one week. All I can say is to pray a lot. And don't give up on the half- you have plenty of time to prepare.

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  4. Im currently making an effort to avoid Facebook, so I'm sorry if you've been posting there. But big hugs from this short person hiding in the Floridian warmth -- I'm sorry and I'm sure you you know it deep down, you're a strong woman. Things may seem tough right now, but somewhere in all this you'll see the silver lining. Also, never apologize for crying. Its a damn good emotion to let out and can be expressed in both sadness and happiness, so you're always just a tear away from happiness (yeah, that was cheesy) :)

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  5. I'm so sorry that all that happened... and in the same week. I totally would've blown off running and blogging too.

    I will also say that in my experience, it is really important to have the person you marry share your dreams and ideals. I'm not making a call on your relationship with David but just wanted to share that because before I met my husband, I had dated a couple of guys who were great and I believed I loved them but there were just those few differences between us that we couldn't seem to work around. I thought I would never find the guy who was right for me. Then I met my husband and was AMAZED at how perfect he was for me. I was head over heels after 3 months.

    If you ever want to get together for a run, let me know.

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  6. Oh jeez, that's like the week from hell :(
    I really think that the break upcould just be symptomatic of all that other stress being dumped on you. At least I hope so. You need support from the person that loves you tho... I'd like to think that David would get on a plane to comfort YOU....
    Anyways, you're in my thoughts missis. Life just sucks sometimes but trust me, though it may not feel like it there is always a greater plan. Focus on you xx

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  7. Sorry to hear this, Jessica! I was wondering if there was a reason you hadn't posted in a few days - sorry it was two big sucky reasons.

    I'm always impressed by bloggers like you who just tell everything like it is, good and bad. My blog posts tend to be pretty whitewashed because I don't want to worry my family back in Michigan. Which is also probably why I don't post very often!

    I know I mentioned this before but always remember that you can come back to knitting if you need some company! Assuming you're still nearby, of course. We're meeting at Alfalfa's these days - tonight, as a matter of fact - so there are plenty of tasty delights nearby as well.

    I hope things get better for you soon!

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  8. Wow. I would probably still be under my covers surrounded by empty bottles of booze. That is one helluva week! I'm so sorry to hear about it. I like your attitude though: "I guess that's the only good part about having your life fall apart at the seams... you get to create a new one." Keep your chin up. Things ALWAYS get better. Life has a funny way of working out. Maybe Cinderella didn't work out because there's an even BETTER opportunity waiting out there for you.

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  9. Thinking about you missis. Hope you're ok xx

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