A (slightly) serious post.

I know this will shock everyone, but it seems I fell off the blog bandwagon again.  I am trying desperately to get back on, and I would love to say that I'm too busy, but lots of busy people blog several times a day, so really... I'm not sure what it is.  I think I'm just out of habit and need to get back into it.

But I'm afraid that tonight I don't have any witty puns to make or any funny pictures to post.  I just need to get something off my chest.

If you read my marathon recap (and that's the actual recap of the marathon, not the recap of the ridiculous amount of things I purchased at the expo, though that is also a delightful read), you are aware that I was suffering with knee pain during the marathon.  I was also suffering with knee pain in several runs prior to the marathon and was terrified that running the marathon would do serious damage.  So I ran the marathon slowly, walked more, and then decided to take some time off of running.  Unfortunately, there was only so much time that I could take off as I had signed up for Disney's Princess Half Marathon and needed to keep up my running base in order to live through that.

I took twelve days off of running and when I went out for my first post-marathon run, I thought I could just go for a nice easy three miles and it would be no problem.  I was wrong.  I got excited and started out a little too fast and within just a few minutes, my right knee was throbbing again.  I backed off, walked more, and called it a day, thinking that I might just be rusty and needed to try again.  I went through three more really painful short runs on different terrains before I finally went out for a fantastic run.  On February 2nd, 2013, I went on a game changer run.  Incidentally, the run was right after I marched myself back into Weight Watchers and rejoined, but that's a different story and I'll get to that.  Right now I just want to try to remember how great that run felt and how I vowed that I would start anew.  I knew I wasn't going to make good time in the Princess Half Marathon, and I told myself that it was okay - I knew it was a gamble signing up for a half so close to my first full, and so I could just run it for fun, run it to get the medal, and then call it a day.  I'm not committed to any other races until the fall, when I will run the inaugural Disneyland 10K on August 31st and the Disneyland Half Marathon on September 1st.  I told myself that after the Princess Half Marathon, I was a new runner.  I have 7 months to train and can hit the reset button and get better and better.  I just need to take it easy for now.

But the knee pain was still bothering me.  I finally went to see a doctor and learned that nothing was wrong with my knee - it was my hamstrings.  I have tendonitis in my hamstrings, as well as bursitis under my right knee.  He didn't say I couldn't run, but he did say I needed to be more careful.  He suggested physical therapy, ice, lots of stretching, and perhaps having someone watch my running gait and see what I'm doing that may be causing the problem.  He didn't seem worried at all.  He seemed like it was the kind of thing that happened all the time and that as long as it wasn't hurting all the time (walking, standing, climbing stairs, etc.) that I was just fine.

The problem is I don't feel just fine.  I feel broken.  I feel terrified that I am going to rip something by running this silly half marathon and that I'm not going to be able to run again.  I feel like an idiot for getting hurt in the first place.  And today is especially bad because in an effort to cross train more and NOT get hurt further, I thought I would do some weight lifting yesterday, and despite the fact that I stretched for a long time after, today my hamstrings are so tight and unhappy that it hurts to walk.  It hurts to climb stairs.  It hurts to do all the things that the doctor said would indicate that there was a bigger issue.  And all I want to do is run.  I've restarted Weight Watchers because I'm unhappy with my body and I know that running could make me feel better about my body, but only if I don't suck at it, and right now I suck at it, but the only way I can stop sucking at it is to actually do it.  It's a ridiculous cycle, but here I am.  Stuck in it.

Believe me, I know there are worse problems in the world.  It hurts to walk, but I can walk.  As soon as I hit "publish" on this post, I am going to go hang out with the best boyfriend in the world who just so happens to like me regardless of whether or not I run.  I have a great family, great friends, a fantastic job, and life is good.  I just really needed to get this off my chest and send out into the world a little plea because I am hoping that someone else is reading this and will tell me they know how I feel, because only another crazy runner would understand how mad I am that I am hurt and how frustrated I am that I can't do what I need to do.

So tell me... does some other crazy runner understand?

1 comment

  1. Hey Jessica,

    First of all, congratulations on completing your first ever full marathon! No matter what, you are a runner and you finished 26.2 miles, which is more than most people will do in their life time :). Races aren't going to be perfect always, but the thing is, that often a crappy run is followed by a blissfully great run, one in which you feel like you are unstopable and the smoothest runner out there.

    With regards to the injury and the frustration, I would suggest following your doctors advice, ice, stretch post workout, and take it easy. If you run at a gym don't be afraid to check yourself out in the mirror and take a look at your form. Have someone at a running store check your form to make sure your shoes are right for your feet and how you run.

    Good job on joining weight watchers, I know it can be extremely frustrating to feel like no matter what you do you are unhappy with how things are but the one thing that I can suggest is stick to it. Mix things up, don't be so hard on yourself when you endulge, live your life in balance and know that how you perceive yourself is the most important thing.

    Your identity is a runner but it is also so much more. So for the times when you are not running, do not worry, you are still an amazing woman and you can still be working on things that will improve your running when your ready to get back to it.

    Hope you have a fantastic day!