Running with Pixie Dust

I ran a lot of miles today.  It was long and it was hard - don't get me wrong, it went well, and I ran along streets lit up with Christmas lights, and it really doesn't get much better than that.  This is not an extended whine about how hard the run was.  But I'd forgotten how much really long runs kick me in the face and now I'm really tired.  So I have no more energy for writing.  I don't even have energy for watching Frasier on Netflix.  I barely have the energy to floss, but today will be day 6 of my week long flossing challenge and I will not be defeated.

If you just read the title and you're having a "well, duh" moment... bear with me.

I am easily disappointed in myself - it's not my most attractive or productive quality, and it's something that I am actively working on.  But it's true, and it means that I beat myself up about things often.  If I miss a workout, instead of being forgiving (which I would be to someone else), I sometimes slip into the bad habit of telling myself I am a failure and feeling horribly guilty about it.  Again... working on it!


But since I've stepped up my fitness level (read: started actually exercising, instead of counting walking from my bed to my couch as a workout) in the past few years, my high expectations for myself have gone to a new level.  I think it started when I did P90X in the summer of 2010.  I'd been exercising regularly before that, but I hadn't stuck to anything that regimented before, and I had definitely never done workouts that difficult every day.  I had fantastic results from it, I loved the way it made me feel, and I felt so incredibly proud of myself for sticking to it.  But then the 90 days were over, and I fell into an exercise limbo for several months.  I had gone from having an entire basement to myself to exercise in to living in a relatively small apartment with 5 other girls and sharing one living room with one DVD player between all of us.  I also went from working zero hours a week to working at least 30 hours a week, at an exhausting job outside in the Florida heat and humidity.  I did a few P90X workouts here and there, but I couldn't make myself stick to the plan.  And instead of realizing that P90X wasn't going to work for me in my new environment and shifting to something that would work, I instead told myself that if I wasn't doing P90X, it wasn't worth working out at all.

I've tried to get better with this mentality, but I'm afraid with the half marathon now under my belt, this issue has resurfaced.  The problem is that I've proven to myself that I can do very intense workouts, like P90X and TurboFire, as well as very intense and long workouts, like all of the long runs I did during training.  So I get whacked out and tell myself that since I can do those intense workouts every day, that I have to do them every day.  But you know what?  That simply isn't true.

I'm still learning, and I know I'll continue to have mental setbacks, but I realized today that I can't and I don't have to run a half marathon every day.  Or do P90X or TurboFire every day.  Let's face it - some days you feel like running a whole lot, lifting weight for hours, or doing some hardcore cardio.  But some days you feel like getting back in bed and watching romantic comedies on Netflix all day.  And that is okay.  Today, I planned on going for a run.  But you know what sounded really miserable?  Running.  So I went for a long walk with my mom, my sister, and the Bonster Monster, and it felt great.  It wasn't the hardest activity I've ever done, and I don't think I torched a whole lot of calories, but it is what I felt up to.  And I'm starting to realize that taking care of yourself isn't just about eating right and exercising regularly... it's about showing yourself compassion and doing what feels right.

As for now... sleep feels super right.  So I'm going to be compassionate to myself and go to bed.  Sweet dreams, all!

I was inspired to write this after reading SUAR's latest post - hers is a lot more serious, but it gave me a nice reminder that just because you blog about running and fitness doesn't mean that you have to avoid blogging about anything else in your life.  And since other parts of my life have been overshadowing any running and fitness, I thought maybe another speak da troof was in order.

This is not to say that I haven't been trying to blog.  I started a 15 Thing list on Friday, beginning with my decision to halt Insanity for a while and try it again at a different time.


Although I normally would agree with what the lovely Amylee (who just got a new half marathon PR, YOU GO GIRL!) said about needing to give something a while before you make a decision on it... after day 3 of Insanity, my decision was made.  No more Insanity for Jessica right now.  And I really do mean right now - I'm not throwing it in the garbage or selling it on Craigslist or anything.  It will stay in my workout DVD collection and I think the time will come that it will be the right thing for me to do and it'll be great.  But now is not that time.  Even just three days into it, I was dreading the workouts.  Honestly, they're not that much harder than TurboFire (my heart rate was about the same for the Insanity workouts and the TF workouts), but what TF has going for it that Insanity doesn't is fun.  TurboFire is super hard, but the music is awesome and you're too busy shaking your booty to notice.  There are no distractions in Insanity.  You know that your life sucks a little and that your muscles hate you.  It's a little stressful.  And I do not need stress from exercise right now, I need exercise as a release.  So I'm starting TurboFire again tomorrow, and will throw some running in when it works.

The reason I am trying to minimize added stress is because I've got a whole lot of it weighing on me right now.  But instead of hiding away and not blogging, I felt like it might help me to get it all down and out there.

About a week ago, I was checking the Disney Auditions website, which I do regularly, and two different auditions caught my eye.  The first is in Orlando on November 7th, and it's for an a capella group called Voices of Liberty that performs in Epcot.  I've heard them before, and they are an absolutely incredible ensemble that I've always wanted to audition for, but I'd never gotten the chance.  But my parents had already made plans to go back to Orlando in just a few days, so adding on some extra time so that I could do the audition seemed like a no-brainer.  The second audition, though, was even more exciting to me - it is scheduled for November 10th, and it's for two brand new a cappella groups that will be added to Disney's California Adventure next year.  The website describes them as follows: "Minnie’s Fly Girls Charter Airlines, a four-member charter airline crew that sings and swings to songs from the 40s, 50s, and 60s, and The Friendly Sisters, a talented trio from the Midwest who epitomize the innocent, optimistic “can-do” America of the 1920s."  They are looking for singers of all ranges and types, and the benefit of auditioning for a group that doesn't exist yet is that you're not trying to fill someone's shoes.  The problem?  The second audition is in Hollywood.  So now instead of going to Orlando for a few days just to relax and then come home, I'll be going to Orlando for a few days to relax, then do a big audition, then hopefully have callbacks the next day, then fly from Orlando to Burbank, do a big audition bright and early the next morning, and then probably cry a lot.  And I leave in four days.


It sounds silly, but these auditions are taking a serious toll on me.  These are big league auditions, much bigger than what I'm used to, and I know that.  So the first step for me was to get some headshots taken, because I really didn't have anything that was perfect.  Luckily, I was able to make arrangements with a photographer to get some headshots taken on Friday, and I have since chosen one and she is getting it retouched and sent off to the printers so I will have copies on Wednesday (fingers crossed).  But it's me, and I'm high maintenance, so it took hours for me to pick the right shot after she'd put them up on her website.  And then I asked for opinions from my parents and David, and sure enough, more hours spent changing my mind about which was the right shot!  I'm also completely unsure about what to sing for both auditions because they're not what I'm used to... for a specific musical, I'd sing something from a similar show, but for vocal groups that do a variety of things, it's a lot harder.  


On top of the stress of actually getting ready for the auditions, I also have my responsibilities here hanging over me.  I feel terrible when I miss Friday mornings with my Weight Watchers members, because I've been in their shoes and I know how important it is to have your leader to depend on.  But doing these auditions means that I'll be missing two more meetings, and the guilt is overwhelming (before you ask - yes... I am Catholic).  And that's just the guilt I feel going to the auditions.  If either audition leads to an offer, everything changes.  I believe a position with Voices of Liberty would start immediately, meaning that I'd be quitting my job with Weight Watchers with very little warning and leaving the cast of Cinderella (which we FINALLY started rehearsing for and I will update more about later) with no Cinderella.  The Disneyland situation wouldn't be much better - those contracts start in January, which means that I could give Weight Watchers plenty of notice, but I would still have to leave Cinderella.  On the flip side, it would mean that I'd be moving out to California in January, which would mean the end of the long distance for David and I, and I'd be doing it with a great job already secured.  Not to mention the fact that I'd be getting paid to sing.  For Disney.  


Regardless... that's what is hanging over my head right now and why Insanity is going to have to wait.  It does actually feel kind of nice to put it all out there and not keep it bottled up.  Hopefully everything works out the way it is supposed to... but I'm not sure what way that is right now!

Fun fact about me: I like themed things. Like theme parks (hellooooooo Disney!) and theme weddings (don't judge me) and theme parties, though I will spare you the pictures of me at either the Executive Sluts party or the G.I. Joe's and Army Hoes party I attended in college. I have even considered throwing an Under the Sea party just to have an excuse to wear the obnoxious orange octopus ring that I HAD TO HAVE a few months ago.


Thus, my addiction to Triple Tangent Tuesday/Twednesday and 15 Thing Friday was born. But that's only two days! Out of a whopping seven! So five days out of the week, I actually have to come up with something original to say and well... It isn't working. So we have a new theme day around these parts: SPEAK DA TROOF SUNDAYS!

If you've read a single entry in this blog, you undoubtedly know that I love eating.  Anything. All the time.

I hope Skinny Runner can forgive me for borrowing "Speak da Troof" (okay, stealing, but she's my idol) - her "I haz fat days" post from a little while back really got to me because it's an issue I've been dealing with a lot lately.

In other words... instead of catching up on all the workouts and runs that I haven't posted this week like any good fitness blogger would do... I'm going to change the subject!  I swear I'll catch up soon.

Reading the "I haz fat days" was kind of an eye opener to me - not only do I see the gorgeous lady behind Skinny Runner as my running idol, but let's be honest, she's a knockout.  I kind of ignorantly and rudely assumed that she never had a bad body day in her life.  And while I wouldn't wish feeling bad about yourself on anyone (I've done plenty of it and I know it sucks), it's sometimes nice to know that body image issues aren't just reserved for those of us who have fat skeletons in their closets.

What they don't tell you when you lose weight is that it's never really over.  It's kind of this awful realization that nobody wants to talk about.  This is not to say that your weight loss is never over - please, when you hit a healthy and happy weight, stop losing!  But the struggles with weight never end.  I assumed that when I hit my goal weight last year and became a lifetime member with Weight Watchers that that was it, I was done.  And for a while, it really seemed like that could be true - I was working full time at a job that constantly had me on my feet and moving around, so I was burning a ton of calories without noticing.  I turned into one of those people I'd always been jealous of who could eat pretty much anything, exercise randomly, and still easily maintain their weight.  Then, in the span of about a month, that fell apart and I gained about 7 pounds.  It wasn't much, but it was enough to make me feel uncomfortable in my skin again... and make my favorite jeans impossible to wear.

Now is when I would love to tell you that since I had already successfully lost much more weight, it was no problem at all for me to drop those 7 pounds.  But it's been a serious problem - a problem that has been gnawing at me for a few months now.  Because of that, I've been struggling a lot with my own body image lately, especially with the new pressures of working for Weight Watchers.  I'm still within my goal range for the company, so my job isn't at risk, but it's hard to spend so much time every week telling other people how to reach their goal weight and saying "You can do it!" when I feel like I can't.

Running, and fitness in general, has helped me a lot with my body image, because it reminds me of what my body can do regardless of what it looks like.  I went on a great run today and I wasn't thinking about how big my thighs looked in my running tights - I was thinking about how great it felt to be running outside in the sunshine!  But do I get self conscious about how my thighs look?  HELL YES I DO.  It's one of those battles that I think I will always be fighting... and I would love to say that I'm an expert on it, but I'm not.  I'm trying though, and working on it, and that's the best we can do.

It's funny, really, how our body image and self confidence ebbs and flows.  Today I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.  My stomach looked pudgy, my arms looked flabby... I wasn't happy with my body at all.  And yet, when I look at this picture: